humanity

You catch your breath and stay quiet

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Reading into things can get things way out of context. Each time we converse we bring assumptions and stories to the interaction. Like this one. The same memory, a different takeaway. All those years feeling guilty for moving away and for no reason.

Daughter – I am so sorry I hurt your heart. I was young and stupid. Reminding you of my bad attitude and teenage angst those many years ago was a bit insensitive. For you it cuts deep. I can hear it in your voice. You catch your breath and stay quiet on the phone. I didn’t realise. I want to give a warm hug but guilt sits on my chest. I’m so sorry. You had so much  going on in your life. I didn’t realise or recognise how I was ‘adding fuel to the fire’ until now. 

Mother -When you decided to move on – I was so concerned how you would manage. So young and yet so brave to secure employment, find accommodation, and move from the family home. But you achieved it all successfully. Not bad for a teenager!
I become weepy for nothing important these days so don’t be concerned my dear sweet. It’s nothing important nor a reflection on the past.

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#Poetry – Elevate from noisy spheres

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It is in silence I create, I can decipher, I can relate
Random gems of unknown purity, bubble up from deep obscurity
Bubbling up clear unfettered, not encased in tunes so lettered

I know the silence that you seek, a place to ponder a place to speak
Not with words that close your mind, but open pathways all entwined 
For in this place you can create, you can reflect, you can debate

And when all thoughts have quietened down, and questions lose their tensioned frown 
You elevate from noisy spheres, and find that space set free from fear
A masterpiece is what you paint, random sketches of a saint. 

DEE GRANT 2021

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Don’t come the raw prawn with me

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Today I wanted to be here ‘in case the sh*t hits the fan’. Mum had a fall today and was taken away in an ambulance. She should be in a nursing home they’ll say. Well ‘don’t come the raw prawn with me’ cause we all know she just ‘won’t cop that’!

That old chestnut

People hint to mum that she should think about going to a nursing home. I’m sure ‘that old chestnut’ will be ‘back on the cards again’. I know she ‘wouldn’t have a bar of it’. Thing is oldies sometimes have no say in it. That really ‘makes mum’s blood boil’. See mum is such a private person. She loves her garden and her own space. The whole idea of being in hospital just ‘does her head in’ let alone a nursing home. She’d be ‘out of there in a flash’ if she could.

Stick to your guns

I was hanging by the computer ‘playing the waiting game’. My ‘heart was in my mouth’ when a call ‘came out of nowhere’. It was a real ‘blessing in disguise’. A stranger calls. She shares of how her nan broke her hip in her 90’s and was sent home after she recovered from a hip replacement. Her nan was ‘happy as Larry’. This stranger says “make sure you tell your mum to ‘stick to her guns'”.

It’s been a while since I wrote a piece on phrases and idioms. I hope these ones help you in understanding this uncertain space. A space where the very thing that draws family together can also pull them apart. We all want what’s best for mum but we all have different opinions.

Phrase/Saying

  • Be here in case the sh*t hits the fan – be close by in case something bad happens
  • Playing the waiting game – Not sure what to do so watch and wait
  • Heart in your mouth – Anxious
  • Came out of nowhere – Unexpected
  • Blessing in disguise – Something unexpected or unfortunate that results in something good happening
  • Does your head in – Makes you angry or frustrated
  • Out of there in a flash – Leave in a hurry
  • That old chestnut – Repeating the same old story so it becomes boring
  • Back on the cards – Discuss something that had been spoken of previously
  • Wouldn’t have a bar of it – (Australian saying) Won’t tolerate or put up with it
  • Make your blood boil – Make you very angry
  • Don’t come the raw prawn with me – (Australian saying) Don’t pretend you don’t know
  • Won’t cop that – Won’t take that. Not happy about that
  • Happy as Larry – (Australian saying) Very happy
  • Stick to your guns – Don’t give in

As the tide of information dissipates thumbnail sketches appear like cocktails at a resort

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After many years of university study, words become scrawl. Scrawl becomes a treasure trove of inspiration. Text turns into it’s own motif. The greater the need to focus the more text becomes a rhythm. A rhythmic sea of text that appears and disappears like waves on the beach.

Unexpected words from a speaker cause a flurry of scrawl barely readable. Then, as the tide of information dissipates, thumbnail sketches appear like cocktails at a resort. 

Discerning the message – Dee Grant – 2002

Drawn at a professional development weekend on teaching ethics. Discerning the Message was drawn on a Best Western notepad while listening to a keynote speaker.

BY DEE GRANT

#Poetry – Cold World

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I came across this little poem recently that I wrote in my early 20’s. Can’t believe how down I was about the world back then nor how lost I felt. Thanks Dad for giving me the wiggle room to see the world through a different lens.

My life was but a battlefield a war within my soul, of building mighty fortresses against a cold world. A tough and hard exterior, a hardened view of life, of living up to others’ opinions for my life. 

But deep inside a child peered out amidst the mire. A gentle spirit, a gentle heart, the real me sat and cried. For loneliness and heartache had crushed this tender heart and all that was left within was but a little spark.

And I thank my loving father for fanning that spark to flame for showing me how to be myself and not have to be ashamed of who I am, or what I do, or how I see the world.

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Ep 2: #Job Hunt – The Blow-In

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…what employer would hire some ‘blow-in’ from interstate?

(with audio) Previously it was about That Elusive First Job. Now a new adventure! I had some idea that I was going to be some famous artist when I finished studies in fine arts years ago. I really ‘drank the Kool-aid’ on that one. So I moved north interstate to a great tourist town on Queensland’s Gold Coast. I started to look for work. I looked and I looked and I looked. Month after month I pounded that pavement, applied for those jobs, and wrote those targeted cover letters. Nothing!  Plenty of knock backs. I even offered to work for free and still ‘a flat no’… It was really soul destroying.

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#Poetry – For better for worse must drive him insane

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My husband is stuck with me here in my pain, for better or worse must drive him insane 

Today another day I wish I was away, away from the pain of my everyday. Though I live in a place that people would love, all I feel is pain and I pray to above. I pray to above for a bit of reprieve, cause I’m locked in this body with no way to leave. 

It’s autoimmune they’ll remind me. Yes it sucks when at night your muscles twitch and weave. Yes we know you’re in pain, what meds can we give, what stretches, what counselling, to make life worth the live? But I know through experience from years on this road, there’s no silver lining just carry the load. 

BY DEE GRANT

For Desiree

#True story- Small acts of kindness

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‘You don’t look twice’ when you’re able bodied. Your there, rushing to get to work, ‘pounding the pavement’ to catch that bus, or grabbing that coffee. It’s like a mental repertoire of the familiar as we journey through our everyday. You go into autopilot. Then things go ‘pear shaped’.

Here is insight from a working age woman reflecting on human kindness after her world was ‘turned upside down’ a few years ago.

I get around on a 4 wheel walker these days. It’s a proper ‘pain in the neck’. Wasn’t part of my 5 year plan! But ‘it is what it is’ and has taught me a thing or two about the human spirit.

These 3 small things mean the world to me.

  1. The power of a smile It’s the smile of someone walking past. They understand. It is a quiet acknowledgement. A kindness that needs no words. How delightful!
  2. Time I need to plan things to the minutest detail. I love it when people appreciate that there is no such thing as hurrying up. I need to live my life considered now, not ‘hitting the ground running’ like when I was a rep.
  3. Small acts of kindness It’s the person that holds the umbrella over your head even though there not going your way. The lady that hails down a cab for you because they know you can’t.

My world may be small these days but these things really put a ‘smile on my dial’.

For Desiree

Term phrase meaning

  • You dont look twice – you don’t have to think about it
  • Pounding the pavement – running
  • Pear shaped – don’t turn out like you think
  • Turned upside down- things happen out of your control
  • It is what it is – a common phrase. The way things are.
  • Pain in the neck – very annoying
  • Hit the ground running – common term used in team building. Means to do your best
  • Smile on my dial – make me happy

#Poetry – Aged traveller

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I strapped my leg into the brace, and remembered days when I could race. Run a race or walk a while, so many  memories it made me smile.

For with a pack upon my back these legs had travelled far and wide, and through the years had journeyed far now shorter steps replace their stride.

Now up the road or down a lane, whatever’s safe whatever’s sane. This is my world however small, the distance less so I don’t fall.

BY DEE GRANT 2020

For Don